LOST, might this is the end
Loe selalu bilang, isi kepala gua buaanyaaak banget. Banyak bangeet tab tab yang kebuka bersamaan. Yang bikin gua ga fokus. Bikin suka nge-hang.
Lalu apa kabar sekarang?
Ah andai loe tau berapa banyak mereka sekarang. Loe bahkan bisa ikutan gila.
Am sorry akhir-akhir ini hampir tidak pernah meluangkan waktu lagi buat loe. Ya, gua jarang ngirim pesan, jarang nyebut nama loe juga dalam kekalutan-kekalutan sepanjang hari.
What's the matter?
I found someone else!
Yap, I FOUND SOMEONE.
and it's a HE.
You must be surprised, so do I.
Me be like, "Seriously? Rite now? In this dying situation?"
But yeah, he's here, with me. Sounds a bit understand me.
I've no idea whether you like him or not, coz you both are so much different in everyway.
But it's not the problem now. I'll tell you 'bout him later.
I've my own death situation now and that's why I am here now.
First, my sincere apology for dissapointing you. I know, if you're here, you must be angry, dissapointed and mad of me.
I know. Me either.
But what should I do?
Wait, look.
What should I do?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I dunno whether you know this or not, but I tried my best. Trust me. I fought for this. I did my own best, and yet trying.
Trying itself's gonna kill me. But that's fine. Death is not a bad idea I guess.
Soon is better.
I gave my all. What else? Everything I can give, but that's not enough. Seems like never get enough.
Sometimes I think what am I supposed to do? Fight with my best of course. I did. But where is the finish line? Where is the limit? When is it gonna end?
I'm a bit tired. Ah not a bit, am so damn fuck*ng tired.
And today is the day I tell myself that it's too hard, it's too tough for me. That am so damn tired, and devastated, and feels like give up. I can't handle this anymore. Got an idea to quit.
In an official languange you can call it 'LOSE'.
I dunno what's your opinion 'bout this. But am pretty sure you'll be agreed this time.
Is it hard, huh?
Everybody said so, but life seems do not give a sh*t on this.
How am I supposed to be strong and get through these crazy sh*ts while am all alone with myself.
Wait, I do know that you'll say "You're enough! You yourself are all enough!"
I see.
But please understand, at this rate it doesn't work. You know it just like at another dimention, i can describe it in words. Me myself is not enough for this.
That's all.
So what now?
Am just a bit uncapable, a bit lost, a bit stupid, a bit upset, a bit offended, a bit mad, a bit broken, a bit dying.
Am just a bit suck.
So do you have any idea beside go to google and search "How to fake my own death?"
Jogja, 16.06.19
It's so damn blue here. At this point I confidently admitted "I need you right here right now!"
So where are you bro?
Btw, one line in X-Men Dark Phoenix reminds me of you "I always comeback to you!"
Such a liar huh?
I know, you wasn't.
I know you said that with all your heart, you always did.
